What am I searching for
The fear of losing out
The fear of being alone
The fear of unhappiness, ordinariness
Keeps sleep apart
Let me find the path I am meant to take
Let me face the struggles head on
Let me focus
Let me let me let me
Let me be me.
The loneliness that swallows me whole
That makes me sick
Pushes me down the rabbit hole
It makes me want to throw up
God help me! I don't want to mess up
When will this darkness end
When will I find the light
That was supposed to be my friend.
I started writing poems as a way to understand myself; to put my jumbled thoughts into lines of clarity. It has helped me sometimes; at other times, it results in me trying to solve a puzzle of random words to give them a semblance of meaning and purpose. So, here goes: the first one I wrote while struggling to sleep, with my anxiety poking at me, at midnight.
In the stillness of my room
In the darkness of the night
Where, except for the fan
There's not a sound in sight
The terror I did not know existed within me
Roared awake like a beast
Puffed up like yeast
My life ran 'fore my eyes live
Oh my demons eat me alive!
Is life a constant battle in these paper towns/cities? Can we possess greatness and happiness at the same time? Or is one elusive while we hold onto the other? Read the article and let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
I liked Paper Towns (a book by John Green, of the Fault in our Stars fame), mainly because I could relate to it. It reminded me of Singapore. Whenever I walk, go on a bus in Singapore, and I see the sprawling HDBs, I think of the million lives that are living their stories right now, inside every apartment. A thousand heroes and she-roes, all braving through life, fighting personal wars that we can never imagine. A thousand mundane everyday things that make up our lives, like cooking, going to work, talking with friends. I am intrigued by all these stories. I want to know what is happening to everyone.
While house hunting, we came across an apartment owned by an old lady, who did not speak English. The view from the balcony was amazing. But, the house in itself was nothing to speak about. It was decent, mind you. But, the house was full of things, every space covered. The kitchen was full of tin cans of food. We clearly could not live there. But, thinking back, what was her story? Owning an apartment in Singapore is quiet a big deal. But, why is she alone? I would like to know the details. I am always interested in the details, because humans are so varied and so similar at the same time. Our lives are made up of these rich details that we may not find incredible but may be unique to so many others. All our stories are connected globally, but are different in terms of culture and surroundings. Did she struggle all her life to buy that apartment or was she a well to do person who had had no hardships in life? Those kinds of people are rare. But, I do not envy them. I think, hardships make our lives interesting. Otherwise, we would be bored to death living the same life every day.
All our lives are colourful and bright, if only we could see them as an outsider. We should appreciate what we have got, the people, the work, the house, the food, etc., instead of just wishing for more. But, what do we have in life, if we don’t keep wishing for more, whatever it be, money, adventure, happiness, love, friends. Maybe, the answer lies in the balance: In between too little and too much. Lucky are those who are able to identify that in-between place and stay inside them. Maybe I sound placid and not ambitious. But too much always brings in a myriad of problems, requires great sacrifices and loneliness.
So, what do you want? Greatness with sadness or humble happiness and success? I think we spend our entire lives figuring out the answer to this question. We can only hope we live full lives while finding out the answer, which is elusive rather than obsessing over it and losing what little time we have on this beautiful, beautiful planet/universe with the lovely, lovely people we know and love or shall meet and love.
The beauty of cinema lies in its ability to capture and visualize the needs and depths of human nature. The formidable task is made simpler and more effective by the use of hauntingly beautiful music that gives the picture the breath of life. I realised this when I watched La La Land, a breathtakingly beautiful movie by Damien Chazelle. His last movie, Whiplash made me realise I liked and appreciated music that brought tears to my eyes. La La land’s theme is sufficient to reinforce this feeling. City of Stars is an enchanting piece of music that grinds up a whole gamut of emotions inside me. It gives one the feeling of levitating in the sky, at the same time grounding you with its raw melancholy. The movie enthrals you with its cinematography. You feel whatever the protagonist feels: hope, fear, despair, happiness, shock. The movie makes you think. What are we really after or what are our dreams? Is it the career we want, the position in life we desire, or simply love from someone else? Is it possible to obtain all the three? What are our limits? What sacrifices do we make to be who we are; to get to where we are? Is it worth it? All of us ponder these questions from time to time but which one of us gets it right? Only time will tell.
Source: Google Images
P.S.: Yayyyy!!!! You are here:) Thank you for reading my first ever blogpost. This is a new journey that I am embarking on and I hope you liked this piece as much as I loved writing it. A huge shout out to one of my best friends Sindhu Paramasivam for sponsoring this blog and for her endless enthusiasm and support in making my dreams come true. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart ❤