Reflections of an Emotional Day

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

I cried today. In front of everyone. For something that happened fifteen years ago. It’s called childhood trauma, it seems. My parents did their best. That’s why it hurts to break their hearts. But, I am my own person. I want to live in peace, without being nagged by my parents everyday. I want to heal. I want to be free. And, as my friends said, freedom is the best reason to fight and to heal. I suppose I never thought of it that way. But, yes! The biggest and greatest revolutions happened and still happen, to gain freedom. Freedom is the highest ideal, both as a people, and as an individual. And, it’s worth fighting for. Every single scar speaks of our journey towards freedom. Every single wound reminds us why we fight. The process is long, winding and non-linear. But, there is nothing more important than freedom and peace. Every person’s peace equals global peace or at-least, contributes to it. Every person’s freedom (as long as it does not infringe on others’), gives rise to a more evolved, safe and secure world. So, start within. Charity, always, always, begins at home.

As I pray for strength of spirit to cross this storm of mine, I have the most most wholesome shelter in place – my friends (as always). Love heals, love saves. That’s all there is to life. Not perfection, not obscene wealth but love! The kind of love that is loyal, reliable and dependable. The kind of love that stays; that feels eternal. To me, love is equivalent to my friends and friendships; the love that feels like forever; the inexhaustible treasure that replenishes rather than expends.

In addition to the warmth of friendships, there is another rarer skill, a secret that rescues us even in our depths of despair and gloom, when no-one else can seem to help. That is the art of self-love. Self-love is giving ourselves permission to rest and relax, without consequences. It is also the practice of hoping and believing that this too shall pass and, we will make it to the other side. Hope/self-love does not well up inside automatically. It is an everyday chore: of getting up even if everything is futile; of crying; of sobbing our hearts out; and still, holding on. A scrap of faith that lets us live day by day, breathe minute by minute, is self-love. It is a habit that has to be cultivated. It’s not straightforward; it’s hard work. But, like I read on the internet, “May you be brave enough to choose yourself – even when others don’t.” – Alex Elle (@alex_elle on Instagram).

Choosing ourselves is an act of rebellion, because we are conditioned to believe that it is selfishness. However, we are not taught that, like every other thing, selfishness is not all bad; it’s not all black. It’s grey. Selfishness can be our defense; it can be our coping mechanism. It doesn’t make it right but, it doesn’t have to be right. We are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. After all, to err is human and, we are humans, after all. Being flawed is our quintessential purpose and trying to reach that forever elusive summit of infallibility gives our lives meaning. Striving towards being better (and not flawless, it being an unattainable adjective) does not mean we can be judgmental towards others, who are striving for their own versions of meaningful lives. Being judgmental is, in turn, infringing on others’ freedom. So, live and let live is the most succint way of living peaceful and free lives.

Climb mountains, jump into the waterfalls, sleep, eat, walk, run, scream (of course, without harming others), live your truth. Fight for your truth. Fight to be free. Practise peace; preach what you practise (without annoying others). Breathe in the beauty of the world surrounding us; breathe out the relentlesss noise inside our minds. Easier said than done, I know. There are few things that are more challenging and still fewer, which make our struggles seem worthy. Be proud of your scars, for they speak of battles fought. Have faith in who you are, for you are a unique combination of star-dust and biology. As long as your heart beats, follow its rhythm; dance to its tunes; and, you will never have to drown in a flood of dilemmas and doubts. We may get beaten down, but we can always take shelter in the shadows of our hearts, which continue to pulse resiliently. Listening to our hearts, we know we will be alright.

Love yourself, give love, ask for help and be open to others’ love and support, for none of us can live without it, and, see how the world begins to shine a bit more brightly and how the heart weighs a bit lighter. Amidst all those sorrows, smile. Find a reason to smile. It may be a childish sketch, a stranger’s joke on the internet, a bird’s call; for the silliest of reasons, smile. Smile and work at self-love. Have a little bit of hope every day. Keep trying to find faith in the strangest of places. Accept love from all corners. Find peace. Live fully, deeply, with flaws. Despite the flaws, believe in yourself, in others, in the universe. Despite flaws, fight. Make a change. Create a better world, a kinder world to live in. And, in that place, in the changed world of your dreams, where your best hopes and faith are realised, be free.

Photo by Jackson David on Pexels.com

Midnight Musings (#7)

Girl on a swing in the City of Love

Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-paris-swing-elegant-view-4761424/

On a cold night
Rainy but not wet
Heavy and set
Sat a girl on the swing
She laid down on it
And gazed above
At the dark black sky.

There washed upon her
A feeling of peace
And joy and content
And wonder
At the world so high
Quiet and clear
Without a sigh.
She fell in love
Yet again
With the too-bright city
That she called home.
She was in love
With its quiet corners
And silent spaces
Amidst the racing roar.

She fell in love
With life and light
That could surprise
Her sullen self
And let her feel safe
In the endless chaos
Of her self-doubts and dilemmas.
She loved that moment
That moment of feeling
Of being at peace
Of being distant
Of simply waiting
For the storms to pass by.
For she believed
And she held on
With all her might
To the thought
That this too shall pass.
And she will be the lass
Broken and wounded
With scars that smarted
But still stood tall
As a hope for all
To see, to learn
To have faith
In their own quest
To live life with zest
And plenty of rest.

Midnight Musings (#6)

Why do I give people
The power to hurt me
How can I not change
Even after thousands
And millions of heartbreaks
I'm still picking up the pieces
From when my heart broke last time
I'm trying to piece them together
But, one or the other keeps hurting me
I wonder sometimes
How my heart has the capacity
To feel things, even after all this time
Always, immediately responds that tiny voice inside my brain.
(I'm such a Harry Potter nerd)

I do not know
If I should laugh or cry
This has become a pattern
This breaking of hearts
I want to cry
For all the love I've given
But never can seem to get back
Maybe, that's the whole point
To learn that love
Is only to give
Not to be gotten back
To become strong
Despite being vulnerable
Maybe that is compassion
That is how kindness
Can and should change the world.

I always end up
Asking more questions
Than finding answers
Maybe, that's how life is
As long as we ask
The right questions
And try to find answers
We stumble upon truths
That are both powerful and transformative
That changes us from the inside
That gives us our superpower
(To become an Avenger
Or a member of
The Justice League)
To help and hold
To hope and give hope
That despite everything
We are worth saving
Our stories are worth sharing
And this life is worth loving
And our love is worth giving.

Happy Women’s Day (March 8, 2020)

International Women's Day
My phone is abuzz
With wishes
And inspirational messages.
I was feeling
None of it
Why?? I asked myself
I am in a slump
In one of my darkest depths.
Everyday
I wake up and wonder
Why my reality is this
I am not inspired
Nor am I inspirational
Why should this day
Matter...at all??

But then,
I realised, I felt
These wishes are unfair
They should include
Me and women like me
Who feel like failures
And struggle everyday.
What message do WE need??
Not one of goals and achievements
That's for sure!
Maybe
It should be
One that applauds us
For just being us
Without our external
Accouterments
Accomplishments
Maybe
They should be
Wishes
Just for our tired souls
For being brave
For holding on
For letting go
For existing
For surviving
For simply being.

Happy Women's Day
To all of you (us)
No matter who or where
Or how you are
Just for being you.
Wish you a lovely
Peaceful and joyous
Women's day
Not just today
But for everyday
That we keep trying
Hoping, living and loving
For a better tomorrow
For a brighter destiny
For a lighter heart
For a graceful spirit
And a lively soul.
Each woman writes her own story!

Image Source: Image by Zizitom from Pixabay

Each woman is a unique tapestry of colours and combinations!

Image by Alexandra Haynak from Pixabay

We unite to rise up! We come together so noone getes left behind!

Image: The first suffrage picket line leaving the National Woman’s Party headquarters to march to the White House gates on January 10, 1917.

Image source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_first_suffrage_picket_line_leaving_the_National_Woman%27s_Party_headquarters_to_march_to_the_White_House_gates_on_January_10,_1917.tiff

I Cry; and, I Hope!

Just a reminder: to hope, despite everything else. Hope is that scrap of wood that we hold on to, amidst a sinking ship and turbulent seas. Hope saves lives every single day. It could mean a world of difference to someone struggling to get through everyday. So, have hope, spread hope and discuss hope 💚 Pay it forward, people!

I cry
With nostalgia
With vexation
With barely repressed
Frustration.

I cry
For the loss
For all the never will be(s)
For my utterly lacking
Current should be(s).

I pray
To Her
To guide and protect
To save my wretched being
From fading into nothing.

I pray
For us
For peace
For there to be joy,
And beauty.

I wish
To grow
To help
To be kind
In thoughts and deeds.

I wish
For goodness
For courage
For the heart
That breaks but also heals.

I hope
To wonder
To wander
To dream
Of a world with favour.

I hope
With my soul and spirit
With my strength of will
With all of my stubborn heart
That we shall survive,
And thrive
In the thrills of life.