Reflections of an Emotional Day

I cried today. In front of everyone. For something that happened fifteen years ago. It’s called childhood trauma, it seems. My parents did their best. That’s why it hurts to break their hearts. But, I am my own person. I want to live in peace, without being nagged by my parents everyday. I want to heal. I want to be free. And, as my friends said, freedom is the best reason to fight and to heal. I suppose I never thought of it that way. But, yes! The biggest and greatest revolutions happened and still happen, to gain freedom. Freedom is the highest ideal, both as a people, and as an individual. And, it’s worth fighting for. Every single scar speaks of our journey towards freedom. Every single wound reminds us why we fight. The process is long, winding and non-linear. But, there is nothing more important than freedom and peace. Every person’s peace equals global peace or at-least, contributes to it. Every person’s freedom (as long as it does not infringe on others’), gives rise to a more evolved, safe and secure world. So, start within. Charity, always, always, begins at home.

As I pray for strength of spirit to cross this storm of mine, I have the most most wholesome shelter in place – my friends (as always). Love heals, love saves. That’s all there is to life. Not perfection, not obscene wealth but love! The kind of love that is loyal, reliable and dependable. The kind of love that stays; that feels eternal. To me, love is equivalent to my friends and friendships; the love that feels like forever; the inexhaustible treasure that replenishes rather than expends.

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In addition to the warmth of friendships, there is another rarer skill, a secret that rescues us even in our depths of despair and gloom, when no-one else can seem to help. That is the art of self-love. Self-love is giving ourselves permission to rest and relax, without consequences. It is also the practice of hoping and believing that this too shall pass and, we will make it to the other side. Hope/self-love does not well up inside automatically. It is an everyday chore: of getting up even if everything is futile; of crying; of sobbing our hearts out; and still, holding on. A scrap of faith that lets us live day by day, breathe minute by minute, is self-love. It is a habit that has to be cultivated. It’s not straightforward; it’s hard work. But, like I read on the internet, “May you be brave enough to choose yourself – even when others don’t.” – Alex Elle (@alex_elle on Instagram).

Choosing ourselves is an act of rebellion, because we are conditioned to believe that it is selfishness. However, we are not taught that, like every other thing, selfishness is not all bad; it’s not all black. It’s grey. Selfishness can be our defense; it can be our coping mechanism. It doesn’t make it right but, it doesn’t have to be right. We are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. After all, to err is human and, we are humans, after all. Being flawed is our quintessential purpose and trying to reach that forever elusive summit of infallibility gives our lives meaning. Striving towards being better (and not flawless, it being an unattainable adjective) does not mean we can be judgmental towards others, who are striving for their own versions of meaningful lives. Being judgmental is, in turn, infringing on others’ freedom. So, live and let live is the most succint way of living peaceful and free lives.

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Climb mountains, jump into the waterfalls, sleep, eat, walk, run, scream (of course, without harming others), live your truth. Fight for your truth. Fight to be free. Practise peace; preach what you practise (without annoying others). Breathe in the beauty of the world surrounding us; breathe out the relentlesss noise inside our minds. Easier said than done, I know. There are few things that are more challenging and still fewer, which make our struggles seem worthy. Be proud of your scars, for they speak of battles fought. Have faith in who you are, for you are a unique combination of star-dust and biology. As long as your heart beats, follow its rhythm; dance to its tunes; and, you will never have to drown in a flood of dilemmas and doubts. We may get beaten down, but we can always take shelter in the shadows of our hearts, which continue to pulse resiliently. Listening to our hearts, we know we will be alright.

Love yourself, give love, ask for help and be open to others’ love and support, for none of us can live without it, and, see how the world begins to shine a bit more brightly and how the heart weighs a bit lighter. Amidst all those sorrows, smile. Find a reason to smile. It may be a childish sketch, a stranger’s joke on the internet, a bird’s call; for the silliest of reasons, smile. Smile and work at self-love. Have a little bit of hope every day. Keep trying to find faith in the strangest of places. Accept love from all corners. Find peace. Live fully, deeply, with flaws. Despite the flaws, believe in yourself, in others, in the universe. Despite flaws, fight. Make a change. Create a better world, a kinder world to live in. And, in that place, in the changed world of your dreams, where your best hopes and faith are realised, be free.

The Soul Spices

Life is tough. But, friends and family, sunrise and sunsets, clear blue skies and a warm breeze help us smile and get through it all. I think, a sincere acknowledgement of the nature, people and the planet that give us so much to live for, that spice up our otherwise mundane lives, is warranted.

It would do us well to recognize what we have and appreciate all of it, even the bad, because it has shaped us to who we are today.

It is always a good day to be grateful. So, here goes:

Warm words and smiles 
Emotions without art 
A sky full of stars
Blessed souls one and all.

Life with its ups and downs
Bumpy and beautiful
Like, streams with rocks and pebbles

Oceans that feel like peace
Mountains that feel like home
Books that feel like a holiday
Friends that feel like forever

Songs that fill up the universe
Beats that rhyme and pulse
Yield sighs aplenty
Of joy and content.

Breathe in the divine
To believe and thrive
Breathe out, let go
To live and love
With abundance and amity
For now and eternity.

Star-pockets: a toast to love, life and Korean dramas

A mother advises her daughter on a Korean drama I watched, that, marriage will never be easy. She says, “Collect your happy and bright moments like stars and store them in your pockets, so that, whenever there are bad moments, you can look at your star pockets and receive comfort from them”. The whole drama was like a book, comforting, in small doses. But, what I have also realized through this is that, life is never easy and that star pocket principle applies to everyday moments too.

I and my two best friends used to go to the beach in the evenings, lie on the sandy shores on our bags and just stare at the moon and listen to the small sound of the waves. That was 4 years ago. Now, we live far away from each other. Life is running its course and those moments, that shined so brightly, I may never experience them again. I remember their sparkle and the warmth but where do I go now, for the same warmth and comfort? Life looks bleak, if I think of it like that. But, the most wondrous thing is that those memories bring forth a smile even now, and even though it is not happening right now, it is enough to tide me over. Life becomes bittersweet, if I think of it like this.

There are many instances or examples of life being a bittersweet journey. My parents’ youth is one such. My dad is going to be 60 this September, i.e., in a few weeks. I remember him pushing me on the swing, decades back. That is one of my earliest memories. He was 35 then. Where have all those years gone by? I don’t remember. It all seems like a blur and I feel I am doing him a disservice by not remembering the distinct passage of time. I still don’t feel like he is going to be 60. Although he is world weary at times and wisdomous due to the years lived, he still holds idealistic hopes and has humour and heart. He is my father, my strength, my fall-back person, the constant that will always be present. But, what do I do when he is getting old? I am his kid and I love him too, in my own way. But, I am selfish and I will need him, always. How do I or how do we get over this? The answer, a different Korean drama tells me, lies in gratitude. Here, a character narrates that, time will pass and so, there is no use in holding back and having regrets later. So, the narrator says, “tell your loved ones, when you have this time, now, that you love them and say thank you”.

So, I say, I love you, to my parents, my brother, my friends, K-dramas, and a huge thank you for their love that’s kept me sane all these years, through thick and thin. As I kept writing, this has become a tribute post to my loved ones, although I always assumed it would be a more cheerful piece. But, I realise I am growing old and world-weary as well, and every lens is tinged with a bit of nostalgia, despite looking forward to greater adventures. Love and peace, everyone!

PS: Go on, open up to your loved ones. Express your appreciation, let them know how much they mean to you and how, they make this short existence, a worthwhile one!